A common fear parents, families and caregivers have is that talking to our kids about sexuality at younger ages exposes them to more information than they are ready for. In the two decades I have taught sexual health education, I have had more than a handful of parents hold their breath while bashfully confessing that they are reluctant to have “the talk” with their kids because they are worried that it’s “too much, too soon.”
This reluctance is usually rooted in the fear that providing kids with honest, appropriate information creates curiosity and threatens their innocence. Time for a big sigh of relief because global research has repeatedly proven the opposite to be true! When children are given access to accurate information that supports their specific stage of development, they gain the ability to comfortably understand and accept themselves and use this knowledge to make positive decisions throughout their lifetime.
One of the most helpful ways to move through feelings of reluctance is to leave behind the idea of “the talk” as a singular event, and approach these conversations (yes, plural!) as a collection of mini talks that will blend together over the years to form a solid foundation.
Preschool
Preschool kids are comfortable and curious learners; they are keen to learn because they are full of curiosity, imagination and energy, which helps them soak up the information without feeling shy or embarrassed. Begin with accurate language for all body parts, especially the genitals. It is easiest and most natural to use the accurate language with them when we help them with toileting and bathing—using a simple phrase such as “let’s use this cloth to clean the outside of your vulva/penis.” It is also essential, as we prepare them to be in the company and care of others, that we teach them they are in charge of their own body and who they decide to share it with. This means they get to choose who they share affection (hugs and kisses) with as do others with them. This helps them begin to make the connections between choice and boundary setting (or consent) that is an integral life-long skill.
Elementary School
One of the principles our elementary-aged kids need to have role-modelled and understand is respect for difference and diversity, including body size and shape, dress, sexual orientation and gender diversity. If they do not yet, they will come to know diverse peers, families, educators and teammates. If kids are taught to expect diversity from a young age, it’s more likely they will respect and welcome difference rather than fear it.
Elementary kids have the need to understand basic human development, including puberty and reproduction. Every young person should be given the opportunity to understand how their body and the bodies of others grow and change over time, including those with a different assigned sex than theirs. We lay the groundwork for puberty in early elementary when we define puberty simply as growth and change from a child to an adult. As they head towards later elementary, we begin to discuss portions of the puberty process more specifically to encourage comfort, empathy and confidence.
As our kids finish elementary school, we’re going to build on our mini talks and start to observe their friendships because these relationships become increasingly important in their lives. These friendships provide a great opportunity to help our kids develop and practice healthy skills such as consent, compassion and patience.
Middle School
Likely, as they head into and through middle school, many of our kids may be developing crushes. During middle school, as their adult champions, we need to chat with them more about the specific changes that come along with puberty such as sexual feelings, questions about identity and orientation, strategies for managing those queries and where/who to go in their community for support. It is always a good idea to remind middle-schoolers that the minority of youth in BC are sexually active because it requires a lot of maturity and responsibility, which they are still developing. Be direct in telling them, when/if they have questions, that you want them to come to you or to another safe, trusted adult.
Start from where your kids are developmentally and, as always, within the context of your family, cultural and religious values. Take a deep breath and trust that you know your kids, your culture and your faith best.