My oldest son turned 18 last week, which precipitated a deep moment of reflection for this mama. Have I taught him enough?
I have spent the last 18 years teaching him how to be kind, motivated, self-assured and resourceful. He is all these things. Yet now I wonder if he has the necessary skills to survive in the big wide world. He is a fantastic kid, but what does he need to learn about life to be a successful adult?
In truth, there are still lessons to be learned. Values I have modelled but intend to be more explicit about. I’ve narrowed my intentions down to two themes: Financial and Emotional Literacy.
1. Financial Literacy
What we want (and even what we can afford) is not always in our best interest. Many teenagers spend money as quickly as they earn it. Understandable! It’s exciting to be earning for the first time. Upon young adulthood, however, I hope my son begins to think towards his future financial goals. I want him to realize the power of making sacrifices in the present to benefit the future. Choose the vehicle or the college that won’t plunge you into debt. Learn to buy clothes in a vintage shop or forgo your daily latte to save a few dollars.
We all must budget (and no, it’s never fun). Unfortunately, this lesson may come with a heaping spoonful of tough love. The time has come when I need to stop swooping in to make my son’s life easier. If he’s financially stretched, the discomfort will force him to analyze the choices he has made and re-evaluate his priorities. Every time I lend him money, I am robbing him of this vital self-reflection. If that means he must take the bus because he can’t afford gas that week, perhaps the inconvenience will inspire him to change his financial behaviour.
Plan now for your future. My husband and I have always been transparent with our children about the need to create passive income through smart investments. We’ve advised that our kids spend half and save half of whatever they earn. So far, they’ve used those savings indulgently every so often. However, now that my son is 18, we are encouraging him to open a Tax Free Savings Account and buy some stock options. If we had this foresight at his age, we would have achieved financial freedom much sooner.
2. Emotional Literacy
You deserve joy (but will experience all the other emotions along the way). The people you choose to spend your time with should lift you up, not leave you depleted. The career you choose to follow should make you feel happy and fulfilled. Will you feel amazing all the time? No! Sometimes we need the darkness to point us towards the light, so use those difficult seasons to re-evaluate your choices and think about what doesn’t align with who you are and who you want to be. Don’t be afraid to let go of dreams, ideas and relationships which no longer serve you.
Create a community of care. No one can survive life by going alone, but relationships take effort. Let people know they are important and that you care. The investment of time, care and support you invest in relationships will come back to you exponentially. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Letting others know you need them is a sign of strength and wisdom.
Just keep moving forward. Upon his graduation from high school, almost every person followed their congratulations with a question about what comes next. College? Career? Travel? The pressure we put on young adults to have life figured out is ridiculous! The advice I gave my son is to “keep swimming.” Accept that job. Take a course. Find a new hobby. The more he experiences, the more he will learn about himself, and each step will take him closer to building a life he feels wildly excited about. Being a young adult is all about exploration, which means we can’t be afraid of making mistakes. Fail. Learn. Try again.
Don’t be in a rush to grow up. As someone who abided by “the plan”—moved out at 18, married early, had children young—I regret not having fun as a young adult. I remind my son often that his 20s are for having adventures, seeing the world and making memories. Rent/mortgage, groceries, family… those things will still be a part of his future and he will appreciate them so much more after experiencing freedom and exploration.
