Can you spoil babies with love by responding to their needs? No, it’s impossible to spoil babies. When you delight in them and respond to them, you’re teaching them that your family is a safe and loving place, they are wanted in this world, and that even though they are small and helpless, they can effectively get their needs met by making them known.
As a counsellor, I often work with people who did not get these messages in infancy, and the effect is devastating!
However, as children get older, it will become possible to “spoil” them. There are two ways to spoil a child; “overindulgence” and “over-submissiveness.” Overindulgent parents have bought the media message that parents should constantly entertain their children, so they meet all their children’s needs, wants, and wishes before they even ask. An at-home parent can easily become a one-person daycare centre, toy store, arts and crafts director, theatre manager and so on. Working parents can “burn out” doing everything for their children at the expense of their own needs.
The problem with overindulgent parenting is that it deprives children of the opportunity to think for themselves, make decisions and develop their own needs and preferences. Overindulged children never have to struggle or take the initiative to get something for themselves. They never have to work for anything. They never have to entertain themselves (perhaps with creative, imaginative play) when their parents are busy and they are bored with all their toys. They are “spoiled” into believing that life will provide for them without their own effort, and when they grow up, they will expect everyone to read their mind and provide for them in this way.
Over-Submissive
The other kind of spoiling is over-submissiveness. An over-submissive parent gives in to all the child’s demands, often because they fear the child won’t love them if they don’t. They just aren’t able to say a firm “no.”
Children learn that whining will work to get what they want, and if whining doesn’t do the trick, a temper tantrum will. When parents have no time to themselves and can’t get anything done without an argument, they reach a point when they explode with anger and then give in even more because they feel guilty for exploding.
Children need to learn that there are firm and consistent limits, and that they won’t be allowed to take advantage of other people. Children with an over-submissive parent don’t learn to accept a “no” from other people, or to set limits for themselves. They learn to get their way by fussing, temper tantrums and the ever-present threat: “If you loved me, you’d do what I want.”
Children “spoiled” by over-submissive parenting grow up into teenagers and adults who can’t set limits on themselves and who won’t respect other people’s limits and personal boundaries. They will make life miserable for their parents, spouse and children, infringing on their rights and feelings without even being aware of them.
Develop Independence
New babies need to have all their needs responded to, so they feel secure, loved, and effective in communicating their needs. As they grow a little older it’s important to help develop their independence by not being overindulgent, and to develop their respect by not being over-submissive.
The real trial years regarding “spoiling” come in preschool, when children develop a clear will of their own. That’s the time to assert your personal boundaries, let a reasonable “no” mean NO, and allow them to entertain themselves some of the time. Provide for your children’s needs and teach them to provide for their needs as they grow. Set limits and teach children that other people matter. If you do these things, with love, your children will not be spoiled.
